Forum Posts

Pavitra
May 30, 2022
In #thepurplesafehaven
I am 25 year old Indian girl. Being a girl is so hard, I'm not saying in Indian society but it's rather in the whole world. We are taught to be good daughters or good wives, good this that but never allowed to be ourselves. I have experienced a lot of bullying in my childhood and college days. So when you start your childhood by always getting insulted or bullied for how you look or what you do, you will be left with lifelong thoughts of why am I like this? why am I not cool like other kids. This continues to your teenage, and there you lose your confidence and shy out of everything. And nobody notices you. You won't be asked about why you don't participate in things, why are you always critical about yourself but, instead made fun of, even by your family. They will criticize for your looks, how you behave but never give thoughts to why. You have shunned the child inside you for years from enjoying and doing things what she wanted to do and when you turn adult you will be thrown with comments like don't act like a child, behave like a lady, women should be sensitive. And then studies, looks, friends, money and family everything starts mattering, but you can never give your attention completely to anything especially when you don't have good time around with people, cuz it's always draining to be with friends who don't support you and are discouraging and are foes with a face of a friend. This was all about what i was going through a year or two ago and pretty much now too. I won't say I found BTS at low time, no. I had heard about them through my friend. I still remember the day she said," have you heard of BTS?" I said "no, who are they?" then she said " oh, people around the world are going crazy about them, you watch kdrama sometimes I thought you would know". And I still didn't look up, I later saw many celebrities grooving to Dynamite song on social media, thought wow that's a cool song. Then I downloaded it and listened to it whenever I wanted to feel energized. My life at that time was pretty well (ignoring the fact that I had not much friends, my academics was going downhill, was again reminded by so called friends that I'm not good-looking). Ya so, one day I had a fight with my classmate, who i thought was my best friend. Considering people like me, who ignore their friends or close ones mistakes and tolerate some harsh things they say until it bursts out some day, I had reached that point. She was a narcissistic, mediocre, judgemental and self-centered b*tch (I'm sry). You know there exist some people who will always find you when they need help from you and make you feel like it's a big deal when you ask them for any, right? Ya, she was one of them. I had bad time dealing with this fight and as expected I fell into depression (I'm not saying this because I was just sad and people use this word without knowing about it, no the ACTUAL depression), I had normal life outside my room, I would go to college and come back. Then till next morning I would not leave my room and stayed in dark sobbing remembering everything that went wrong in my life and thinking why me? Why always me? Days went by until soon I came across a video of BTS on YouTube (run bts clip), it was funny and made me smile through my tears. I then, saw a few more, I was like are they really BTS, why are they so funny and cute? Then boom, I google them and learnt names of every member and I had no much trouble like others in remembering them. I watched like hundreds of videos, songs (most of them fan-made, and some were mis-guiding, telling false and delusional things about them, which I got to know later). I started listening to their songs more and more, watching their videos on loop of infinity, I was so consumed by their charm. I had watched some fan made videos of their struggles and accomplishments and then suddenly like one day I left my bed went out listening to their songs. I recovered from my depression after many days only to fall into it again when my mother got diagnosed with a deadly disease. I was devastated and cried my lungs out the whole day, I developed anxiety and panic attacks became common. I was in other state for my post graduation and this happened. Imagine falling down badly, getting up and getting hit by a truck. Ya it was bad. I had no idea what to do, I had to complete my work soon and leave to my home. I stayed up nights doing my work and all that kept me awake and sane during that time was my friend's call and videos of BTS. I forgot every other problems and I finished my work and went home took care of my mother after her surgery. To take care of mother who used to be strong and suddenly crashed to earth is the hardest thing a child can probably do. I cried with her every time she cried, tried to console her. I lost my sleep, sanity, weight and myself. I didn't do well in my exams. I was consumed with my thoughts. Skipping another few sad months, I moved to another city for studying for some exams. I had to consult mental health advisor for the reason being i can't live like dead plant. I was just a plant which is just wood from inside, no life. She was of no much help. And guess what helped me, my friends BTS. I saw a video of suga talking about mental health, weverse posts of members (fan-posted on other social ) saying these comforting and soul-soothing words about realistic things. I started to change perspective about my life (which was no one should go through what I have, i hate my life, earlier). Life started getting better. Every time i see any bts member on screen, it reminds me that every one has hardships, no one can move you form your place but you. Only you can make your life better. I have learnt a lot, to be humble, good for even those who did you wrong, be happy no matter what, just work on yourself, speaking up, not holding back when I'm humiliated or insulted, hoping for better days from them. They, to me were like a crack of sunlight trying to reach the bottom of the sea, and the soft light caught me with it's humble hands and brought me up to sail my boat. I still remember how lucky i was to find these good humans at times i really needed someone, and maybe i only needed them. I owe a significant part of my little happiness of everyday and whole life to them. I know i will get to see them one day for sure. Does anyone living in the time same as BTS and is an army would die without actually seeing them in real life (please god dont make regret my overconfidence). My friends are always like " what do you get from looking at them?" I just tell them "You don't understand" and continue smiling stupidly looking at members pictures and laughing at memes army make. I will make BTS proud one day. I will get the job and build a good and deserving life for me. I am doing pretty well now a days, I'm beautiful, sexy, wise, warm and most of all humble. And my mother too is okay now yet not recovered fully. I hope I can convince her to come to concert (in my dreams😕, just kidding😄!) with me the day I finally get to see them. I have skipped some parts to make it not sound too sad because i still pretend to ignore some things in my life and im trying to address this, i will. Hope all my indian armys' anticipated days come and we get concert😁. I love you BTS💜.
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