What initially seemed like just a way to distract myself became a comfort that was hard to explain. Me crying at 3am the first time I listened to Magic Shop, I felt so silly, so unsuited for adult life, adults aren't supposed to do everything I was doing. I'm 27 years old and I feel like a mess, guilty for all the decisions I've made and even guilty for enjoying the music I was listening.
Is there a right way to do things? Is there a right way to exist? These kinds of questions started to follow me as I discovered the world of BTS. Throughout my life I have always been afraid of taking the wrong path, or making a mistake, but is there such a thing? what does it mean to make a mistake? how can you know that this path is not your path?
I was 27 years old and felt so defeated, lost, small, wrong all the time, a child who hasn't made it as an adult. I am still that mess, I have not been enlightened and found my way, sometimes I still wonder if the job I have is for me, if the career I chose is the right one, if I am really good at this existing/living thing. but I have learned to celebrate this mess.
Through their music and their approaches to life, BTS has made me feel that my pain is not invalid. They have given me a strange feeling of freedom, teaching me that within the complexities of life, there are simple things that can give us peace and freedom to be the way we want to be.
Each member has a different way of facing life, of expressing themselves through music and their art, when I see them I feel that I I shouldn't try to put myself in a box because there are no rules to be me or to be happy as long as you don't hurt anyone. I am the only one who knows how to be me! I no longer feel the urge to label myself, to overwhelm myself with doubts about my capabilities or my path. However, when those thoughts come, I don't stop them, but I no longer let them stop me (not completely).
I am learning to be kind with me and very patient also. I'm learning to enjoy things that I love, to not listen to the noise of people judging my decisions, my way to enjoy things, to be happy. BTS has taught me to embrace this mess that I am. No matter if I am on the right or wrong path, with kindness and hard work, somewhere I will get to go and there is no such thing as a good or bad place to arrive. It doesn't matter where I will go, it will be fine because I will be waiting for me and that is more than enough. Thinking that my future self is waiting for me somewhere with open arms, makes me want to go there as soon as possible, hug her and tell her that I made it (with a little help from 7 amazing and very handsome human beings).